Random Thoughts of a Narcissistic Gay Man

Ugh… Does anyone have any spare motivation? Like bottled up or in pill form because I need like a pallet full for the list of things I would enjoy accomplishing… You know like, actually training for the stupid half marathon that I already paid to participate in, or calling about finishing up my damn degree. This has been a post, you know, like the rest of my posting, bitching. LOL

I wonder how long do you have to go without sex before your considered a virgin again? LOL

   So the other night while I was sick, I was laying in bed and came upon the show hoarders on netflix. Funny thing, I had never NEVER seen that show. Sure I had heard my friends and family speak of it, or maybe overheard a commercial, but I never sat down and was like “Hey, let’s watch this show that will make me want to vomit.” So, needless to say, I sat down and had myself a little marathon, I am not sure why. I can’t only relate it to when you drive by an accident, part of you is like, “Don’t look, you don’t want to see blood or brains” and than there is the adolescent teen boy in your brain that never goes away that is like “LOOK!” So you do… damn teen boy side of the brain… Well, that is how it was with hoarders, once I started watching, I couldn’t turn away! Well that was up until the feces episode and than I called it quits.

   The thing that got me was, How does a person get to that poing? When do they realize that they have a problem. For the love of God, why are they crying and shaking over throwing away that gum wrapper, or that crusty sock or that water bottle their mother gave them 20 years ago???? I just couldn’t wrap my brain around it.

   Than today, I woke up and decided that I wanted to consolidate some of the random shit I have. I started with 2 bookshelves that hold my books and DVD’s. Granted, the shit could probably fit on one bookshelf, but I like to sepperate things with picture frames, collectibles, etc. to break up the books and stuff. It’s a design thing… Anyway, I decided that my place is too small to have this design effect and I choose more room over design. So, I start consolidating everything to one book shelf and reach a point where I realize, it just isn’t all going to fit. Than I think, I probably need to toss some shit to make room for the things that I really want and that’s when it happens. My chest starts to tighten, I get a little shakey and my anxiety goes up. Do you know how many moves I have taken this stuff with me? I love books, I am a huge reader, 90% of the books on my shelves I have read but the idea of tossing some makes me nervous and THAT is when I can relate to how that shit probably starts. It is probably just easier to keep what has a value to you than to toss it. Granted, my thing is books and DVD’s but the difference is, I WILL make myself get rid of the excess, trim it down to my favorites and move on, but for just an instant, just a flash, I got a clear mental picture of my future where my house would be filled with books and dvd’s and I do not want to be found dead under a stack of old Goosebumps and babysitter club books from when I was a kid. LOL

1. I need to get my ass out of bed and actually DO something today! I am in need of a damn adventure.

2. I officially signed up for the Disneyland Half Marathon on September 2nd. That is lots of time to start training and get all sexy again!

3. I went indoor rock climbing yesterday, it was so much freaking fun, I can see this becoming a regular thing for myself! Who else is down? Also, it is hard NOT to check out all the packages when they are so well defined in a harness LOL.

4. Also, I got to meet a guy that I followed on tiny chat this morning. He is even better looking via web cam. 5. I need a vacation this year, I am thinking either London again or perhaps Greece… or just about anywhere, though my heart says London. Oh how I miss London.

I just don’t feel like shaving… So apparently I’m growing a beard… This should be interesting… Don’t mind the patchy hair growth -___-

Sometimes my heart aches for the guy I haven’t met yet, I picture him feeling that same feeling and knowing that I am out there <3

I have updates on my life and just wanted to share something that wasn’t all doom and gloom:

1. I have continued to cry over my southern guy into last weekend, but am feeling much better after lots of chats with friends, a bottle of wine and too many ciggarretes. It killed me not to text and beg him for another chance, another kiss, etc. But in the end I decided, he left and I really don’t even want to open that wound again.

2. It is funny how some guys can smell a broken heart and it turns them on. I have been hit up by two guys this past week that want my oh so not hot body in a bad way. LOL. I actually am considering one of these offers… it is an ex and well… it was good. Is that bad?

3. I work the swing shift at work, it sucks, it killed my social life when I had to switch… but there is a tiny chance I might get a normal human schedule again soon. So please pray to whatever you believe in that I get it :)

4. I am actually excited for the holidays, being single isn’t all that bad, one less gift I have to buy! See ALWAYS a brightside!

5. I am so thankful for my friends and family, they rock. I am a moody and this past week wildly emotional bitch and they deal with it, embrace it and don’t make me feel bad. I only hope that I am always able to return the favor.

… Ok, that’s about it. See, NOT a bummer blog. I am starting to feel like me again, that’s a good thing.

My Horoscope reads “A dating experience is ready to enter a new stage. You are not likely to be satisfied with a casual romance and will let your potential partner know that you want something more. There will be no ambiguity in your clear and sincere message.” Um… have I been dating anyone lately and I just didn’t realize it?