Random Thoughts of a Narcissistic Gay Man

   So the other night while I was sick, I was laying in bed and came upon the show hoarders on netflix. Funny thing, I had never NEVER seen that show. Sure I had heard my friends and family speak of it, or maybe overheard a commercial, but I never sat down and was like “Hey, let’s watch this show that will make me want to vomit.” So, needless to say, I sat down and had myself a little marathon, I am not sure why. I can’t only relate it to when you drive by an accident, part of you is like, “Don’t look, you don’t want to see blood or brains” and than there is the adolescent teen boy in your brain that never goes away that is like “LOOK!” So you do… damn teen boy side of the brain… Well, that is how it was with hoarders, once I started watching, I couldn’t turn away! Well that was up until the feces episode and than I called it quits.

   The thing that got me was, How does a person get to that poing? When do they realize that they have a problem. For the love of God, why are they crying and shaking over throwing away that gum wrapper, or that crusty sock or that water bottle their mother gave them 20 years ago???? I just couldn’t wrap my brain around it.

   Than today, I woke up and decided that I wanted to consolidate some of the random shit I have. I started with 2 bookshelves that hold my books and DVD’s. Granted, the shit could probably fit on one bookshelf, but I like to sepperate things with picture frames, collectibles, etc. to break up the books and stuff. It’s a design thing… Anyway, I decided that my place is too small to have this design effect and I choose more room over design. So, I start consolidating everything to one book shelf and reach a point where I realize, it just isn’t all going to fit. Than I think, I probably need to toss some shit to make room for the things that I really want and that’s when it happens. My chest starts to tighten, I get a little shakey and my anxiety goes up. Do you know how many moves I have taken this stuff with me? I love books, I am a huge reader, 90% of the books on my shelves I have read but the idea of tossing some makes me nervous and THAT is when I can relate to how that shit probably starts. It is probably just easier to keep what has a value to you than to toss it. Granted, my thing is books and DVD’s but the difference is, I WILL make myself get rid of the excess, trim it down to my favorites and move on, but for just an instant, just a flash, I got a clear mental picture of my future where my house would be filled with books and dvd’s and I do not want to be found dead under a stack of old Goosebumps and babysitter club books from when I was a kid. LOL