Random Thoughts of a Narcissistic Gay Man

I read the breakup text again today and got that damn lump in my throat that no matter how many times I swallow, won’t go away. Last night I cried which kills me to even admit, I hate emotions, I hate tears, I don’t know why. I get uncomfortable when I see tears and I feel weak when I shed them. When I was younger, I was such an emotional kid and as I grew up I have turned into a block of ice when it comes to my emotions.

Last night I couldn’t keep my heart from melting just a little, to let those ice cold drips of emotion melt and make their way to my eyes. It was pretty pathetic, me laying in the fetal position crying like I had lost my reason for living. I have dated before, I have been dumped before but this hurt so much worse. Perhaps it was my thinking that it felt “different” that maybe just maybe that meant he could be “the one” or having that feeling only confirmed by others that “they had a really good feeling about this one.” It doesn’t help to hear people disect what I might have done wrong, or that it’s his loss and I am “such a catch.” It doesn’t ease the pain of knowing that I was not good enough for him.

Part of me is holding on to the hope that he’s going to realize that he was wrong, that he made a mistake. Sadly, the more logical part of me is preparing myself that in reality, I was easy to walk away from and that he’s not coming back. It is that part of me that feels so done with dating, no matter the age, no matter their careers or values, all I get are boys. Boys who don’t know what they want, that don’t see what I have to offer and I’m sick of being an emotional yo yo. It is time to give up my search on love for a while and just focus on me and the people I do care about. Time to get my body the way I want it and stop hoping that my knight in shining armor is going to come galloping in and wisk me away to my happily ever after. The reality is, there are no knights, most people can’t ride a damn horse and everyones dealing with their own shit.

If, on the new path I am choosing to follow, I happen to run into love, well, than I guess it is meant to be and maybe just maybe he will know how to melt my heart enough to make sure he joins me on my journey….